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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It annoys my close ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that professional help might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This approach will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.